To venkat@tirumala.hills

This email popped up in my in‐box recently, when I was in the
middle of some work‐place tension. Please read and see for
yourself how inhuman some people can be.

* * *

>> From: <Spammerson Chainmailer>
>> To: auldtimer and 19 other victims
>> Subject: Fw:Fw:Fw: Tirupathi Venkatachalapathy
>> Hi,
>> Trust in God with all your heart and Venkadachalapathi
>> will light your way. This letter has been sent to you for
>> good luck. This original copy came from Thirupathi. It’s
>> no joke. You will receive it in a few months. Please send
>> 20 copies of this letter to people whom you think need good
>> luck. Please do not send money. Do not keep this letter.
>> It must leave you within 7 days.
>> An officer has received 2 million dollars after sending it.
>> Mr. Robert lost more than 21 lacks for not sending and breaking
>> this chain letter. Please send 20 copies and see what happens
>> in 4 days.
>> This chain letter comes from Thirupathi; written by
>> Lord Venkadachalapathi in Andhra Pradesh, South India.
>> This is true even if you’re not superstitious.
>> Mr. James from Ipoh received this letter in 1987.
>> He asked his secretary to type and send out 30
>> copies. He won a lottery for RM125,000.00.
>> Mr. Lim received this letter but lost it.
>> Therefor he lost his job. Later he wrote 20 copies and
>> send them out. He received a better job with better pay.
>> If you neglect this Venkadachalapathi chain letter your
>> GOOD LUCK will go away. So make 20 copies and send them.
>> You will see a miracle in your life.
>> I am sending this on the behalf of my family and myself.
>> I believe it is true and we’ll get what we’ve been wishing

* * *

I had to respond to this nasty. There was no way out. So I
responded immediately. Enclosed for your benefit is my reply
also. Kindly read with patience, and let me know if you see any
flaw in my logic.

* * *

From: auldtimer
Cc: <Spammerson Chainmailer>
Discontent-type: text/flame
Subject: Re:Fw:Fw:Fw: Tirupathi Venkatachalapathy

Dear Tirupathi Venkatachalapathy,

Howdy! Long time, no see! May I call you Venkat? Thank you!

Venkat, what have I done to warrant this threatening letter from
you, routed via your earthling agent, Mr Spammerson
Chainmailer? Have I not been leading a righteous life? Have I
not paid you my dues? Have I not earned your divine grace?

What?? Did you ask me what I have I done to earn your grace? Did
you? How can you!

Well, then, Venkat, please recall. I visited you at Tirumala long
long ago. I gave away all of my hair to you. I was a teenie‐
bopper then, and loved my hair. Mom forced me to donate my hair
to you. (Don’t moms always do that, pledging their son’s hair
away in cool sauveness without caring for the sentiments of the
son?) I was blackmailed into giving my locks to you, as otherwise
apparently you wouldn’t have intervened to save my ass in a hair‐
rising health situation. So I gave my hair to you and went home
with a clean‐shaven pate. And the next‐door teenie‐bopper cutie
stopped looking at me ASAP! A budding romance came to an
ignominous end, all because of *your* obsession with *my* hair!
Does that count for nothing, Venkat?

And then also, remember, did I not also put a cool grand in your
hundi, so that you may pay off your debt to Kubera? I was
pestering dad to put a cool grand in *my* hundi, so that I could
go watch India‐Australia world cup action in Madras. You snatch
my money from me, and compound the cruelty by ending the match in
a last‐ball thriller action. Does my sacrifice count for nothing,

You know well that I haven’t wavered in the path of righteousness
all my life. You know that I remain righteous as I speak. I am
the very picture of moral and ethical conduct. The torch‐bearer
of values. The role model for the younger generation. You know
all of this, don’t you?

What’s that again? Why are you singgering at me? Oh, I see. You
wanna know why I was looking up that gorgeous babe in Shoppers
Stop last week, right?

Alrightie. I plead guilty to some indiscretion. But hey, Venkat,
show some sense of proportion, OK? “Let him who did not sin cast
the first stone”, said late Jesus. You want to make big deal of
of the fact that us mortals even when happily married, tend
sometimes to admire the beauty of other women. No probs, that’s
a fair enough point. But then how about you, Venkat? You did not
stop at admiring the beauty of cowherdesses, did you? You
went right ahead and got physical with as many as 16K of them!
(And they say that you stopped at that number only beause
there was a register overflow on the old 8086, he he he). If
you could pull off that kind of stunt in the virtuous dwaparyug,
Venkat, I shudder to think what atrocities you’ll commit in
this sinful,anything‐goes Kalyug. Moreover, you’re even a
bigamist! Before poiting fingers at me you should know
that I’m famously monogamous. (That fact is the talk of the
town. At Jayanagar Shopping Complex the other day, I over‐
head one wide‐eyed girl tell another: “See that guy!? He is auld‐
timer! And he is famously monogamous!” She appeared to fall at
my feet any moment and start worshipping me right then and

So the key takeaway of this discussion is, you can’t really use
my so‐called indiscretions to deny me your favours, Venkat,
since you are guilty of far bigger indiscretions than mine.

As we all know, I don’t harm any of your creations. I don’t eat
meat. I have never ever hurt other living beings, whether they be
big or small, ugly or beautiful, even auto drivers or HR
managers! Oh, yes, if you insist that I must be very accurate,
yes, I admit to having snuffed out a life a while ago. But it
only belonged to a rowdy mosquito. Murder in self‐defence is
not a serious crime any where in your universe.

Yes, I also admit to liking my bottle of Kingfisher once in a
while. But then again, don’t you devatas drink sura and par‐
ty all the time? I heard that you get drunk and make passes at
other devatas’ wives. Chee chee. I just drink my beer and settle
down to read “Education and the Significance of Life”, by Jiddu

Therefore, dear Venkat, show mercy on me. SAVE ME FROM YOUR
WORSHIPPERS. Tell them to stop sending me these mails. Punish
them. Install in them “the Fear Of God”, Version 2. Cause their
mail clients to core‐dump indiscriminately. Bless them with a
billion BSODs a day. Make sure they see a null pointer exception
on every mouse click.

I don’t care what you do, but you must do something. Getting a
Tata lorry to run over Spammerson is not a bad idea, but I leave
it up to you how you’ll deliver me from this chain mail menace.

Yours respectfully,


(c) auldtimer, 2003-14


About auldtimer

Check me out on Twitter @auldtimer
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