Stirred to intense curiosity by Chetan Bhagat’s novel thesis titled “Anatomy of Bhakts”, I decided to conduct an investigation into its validity. But then a dilemma arose. Am I a Bhakt too? If the answer is yes, then am I qualified to apply myself to the task?
There is the Duck Test you know. Four traits determine whether a creature is a duck or not. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, it has got to be a duck (or a liberal, who is qualified to be in charge of the pond, since he is qualified for every tax-payer-funded job). Likewise, there is a Bhagat Test to check if a human being is a Bhakt. Four traits again.
First. Is he a male?
Well, “he” can’t be a female, and I certainly wasn’t a female the last time I checked.
Second. Do I have weak communication skills?
I pondered over this question, and recollected the most recent conversation I had with a stranger. It went like this:
Stranger: “Did you read one night at the call centre?”
Self: “But I don’t work in a call centre”
Stranger: “No, what I mean is … ok, how about half girlfriend?”
Self (taken aback): “Are you suggesting time-sharing?”
So you can see that my communication skills are not great.
Two down. This Bhakt Test is not looking good on me.
Three. Am I sexually frustrated?
This, in my humble opinion, is an unfair question. I challenge any male anywhere in the world to look himself squarely in the mirror and answer honestly “no!” to this one. No sir, no. I’m not that desperate to sign up with the ISIS for my 72, but I can’t claim I am not impressed by that number, either. Sexual messaging is hitting us from every direction these days: ranging from books of Chetan Bhagat to the obituary columns of Times of India, so how can we ever be truly satiated?
Having tested positively to three Bhagat-Test traits already, I panicked and almost gave up. Then, as I glanced without hope at the fourth trait, it leaped out of the page and danced before my eyes! I don’t speak Hindi! Hooray! I don’t speak Hindi!! Hooray, hooray, I am not a Bhakt!
The next steps were quite simple. I needed to look up the Twitter timeline of any Bollywood starlet who was a The-Victim. Of abuse. Surely, abuse comes from Bhakts, so anyone on the starlet’s timeline must be a Bhakt. I picked a Bhakt randomly, and DM’ed him if he would be kind enough to answer a few questions for me. He agreed.
The point is this: if Bhagat Test is valid, the Bhakt I picked would be male, has poor communication skills, is sexually repressed and speaks Lucknowi Hindi.
Below is the result. Reluctant admission: one must doff hat at Mr Bhagat’s genius.